800 but not yet 1000

 

It’s above 800 but less than a thousand

It’s above everything I had so far

But maybe I have spoken too soon

Because I never knew what’s there

What’s above me or beside me

I just know what’s behind me

And I’m feeling chased

By the blue of the dark nights

And I can run as fast as I can

But I get tired because I’m limited

And I get caught by it again

This layer of tarp of thin air

And thick skin

And sticky feeling

It’s heavy on me

As I’m only human

And yes, it’s been more than 800

But the nightmare of me 

Failing to make it to a thousand

Is still pulling on my shirt

And I hate playing tag

Especially with nobody

But I have to constantly

Play it with my own shadows

Those my past have created

I’m running around with me

In my head and around me

I see myself running in circles

And it only makes sense

That someday the roles change

That the wheels turn

Once I was up there

But now I’m down here

And this scary feeling

Of always trying to get out

Of freeing something

That has always been trapped

And I’ve learned for those 800

But it doesn’t feel any easier

Because two years ago I was dead

And I was reborn a broken soul

And to glue every pieces together

Is as frustrating

As trying to catch every drop of rain

Because it’s a mess

Because I’m a mess

That made it to 800

When I thought I was at zero

When I thought it’s over for me

I’m still counting nervously

And I’m still scared everyday

And I still think of

Whether I will make it to a thousand

Because maybe,

My life will turn to a fairytale

Something you read and remember

But never anything that’s real