I Am Not Okay

I’m not okay. 

And probably it’s hard to even imagine me not doing okay. 

But I really am not doing okay. 

I’m even amazed how not okay I am. 

How sick I am.

I wish I could say something better..

But no, I’m sick and I embrace it.

I sometimes don’t see the point of getting better…

That’s exactly when my sickness feels the hardest.

I’m sick and have been sick that you would ask,

“How come? You never seemed like you’re suffering?“

But I actually am suffering. 

Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Just because it’s not talked about, doesn’t mean the problem’s gone.

I’m battling with my depression.

On top of that I still have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

And on top of that I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I thought life was gonna leave me alone finally.

But just a few days ago I got another diagnosis…

Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Then I’m put into the closed facility.

I’ve been in this psychiatry for a month now.

It’s my second stay in the psychiatry.

But I’ve never been put into the closed facility,

until now.

The criterias to get to this facility are

When somebody is a danger to others or to themselves

I don’t know how I should react to that…

But I just follow where things take me…

Take the pills they give me…

I can’t even go to the toilet alone again…

I can’t have my belongings to myself…

So little trust, which is right to do.

I’m a walking hallucination 

But that’s still better than not walking

Or not waking up

Or waking up somewhere else outside this world

I just wanted to say,

I am not okay.

I am not okay but I embrace it.

It is a process I’m going through

Hopefully it gets me somewhere brighter

Keep believing in me

I will be okay.

Soon or later, but I will be, whenever that might be.

Erlangen, 6/11/21