Stay Alive

I thought life was only about achieving dreams, goals, being the person you expected yourself to be, being the best of the best in your class, getting into the best schools, being rich, having a nice family in a nice house in a nice neighborhood with a swimming pool. I really thought was all about those materialistic things, a job that pays well but doesn’t require you to work much, a great mansion with a security system plus a bodyguard and your own gun in case something happens. In my head, life was about travelling with an airplane, and working in many different cities, and flying on an airplane to get to the jobs, hop in and out of the airport lounge, and owning my personal jet plane. I thought life was about earning as much money as possible so you can go to Maldives, Finland, USA, Australia, South Africa, Russia, and back to Indonesia for holidays in one go and still not running out of money. I thought life was about the race to touch the stars, as a kid, I’ve always loved the idea of being able to touch the cloud and eventually the star, only to have that dream crushed because I figured out that the could is untouchable, and the star is too big to have in my hands, moreover it’s too hot to even get closer to. So, how many more of those dreams and realities are as fake as the cloud and the stars? How many more ways are there to define what life is about? 

Some people end up dying poor, in slum areas nobody wants to live in. Or they end up dying in the same cold bed in hospitals, no matter how rich or how poor they are, maybe they die in different rooms, but still the same setting. Some people die alone, under the bridge of a big city, or on a desert without a life, or on the ice without help, or underwater beyond reach, or maybe even in space, who knows. Some people decide to slit their veins on their wrists or on their necks to get out of this so-called “beautiful life“, or they hang themselves, or they shoot themselves, or poison themselves, or jump in front of a train, or on a bridge, and many more ways to get out, but don’t you question why such efforts are needed? The people that have those things figured out must’ve also been thinking about it for a long time already, it isn’t easy to just decide to let everything go, to put an end to your own story, at least to me, it isn’t easy, not at all. One second you’re in the kitchen glimpsing on those sharp knives and you know exactly what to do with those beautiful white knives, you hold it in your hand, and you suddenly remember the smile of your girlfriend in your memory, and you decide to abort the mission. Some other second you’re in a tower with an open window, then you look closer down and you know the building is tall enough to kill whoever’s jumping and doesn’t land safely, so you try to open those windows and try to get out of it, you just wanna sit down first, maybe, and let yourself slide down later, but before that you somehow get reminded by the faces of your parents smiling in your memories, and you, again, decide not to undergo the attempt. Or, you go fast with your bike on the crossing against a car, not once, but twice, hoping to get a crash big enough to get you smashed, so that you’re done with whatever it was you’re suffering with. But somehow you suddenly miss the chances, the cars don’t hit you, you feel all good, no mercy, no fear, just all white and full of adrenaline, and you feel that sort of disappointment that it once again doesn’t work out for you. What’s the burden? Why would somebody so brilliant and amazing like you want to put weights on your face to stop yourself from breathing? Was that a trial to check if God was still there to save you? Or did God actually want to save you by putting you down early? Because then you don’t have to suffer again, or suffer even worse, to let your soul be free, it is trapped in your body, it wants to fly to the sky but your body would never be able to grow wings and fly, it wants something it would never be able to have. So, what are you gonna do about it?

I guess what I can think of life is that it’s full of dreams. As you were a kid, as you grow up, as you get mature and older, you still don’t stop dreaming. Either those dreams are getting more realistic each time, or that it gets more reachable, or that it gets smaller, or that it gets bigger, or that it gets more like a fantasy, but I bet everyone has a dream, either of a hand of rice, of a nice school, of a lovely partner, of a big house, of a baby, of a lot of money, of power, of acquisition, of anything possible, it’s a dream anyways. But for some people, dreaming is of no joy anymore. Dreaming only creates another stress, another hopelessness, another annoyance in their lives. Some people eventually stop dreaming. At least that’s what they said to themselves, because dreaming is so natural and to stop dreaming is practically impossible. Humans are also subjected to expect things, to have a vision, imaginary or realistically, to plan ahead, to have something in mind as a goal, it is so culturally and humanely close to us to dream that it is really really hard to really stop dreaming. So, instead, some people dream differently. Some people dream of death instead, an ending that’s nice for them. Either because they’ve done a great job in life or because they think they haven’t achieved anything in life yet and this level-up thing in life (that life will always get harder each time you get better with it) feels like it has touched its full potential and they think that they can’t touch a level higher than theirs anymore. It makes them choose to dream of an end, well, peacefully or less peacefully, whatever the word “peace“ might actually mean. 

It’s safe to say that life is a beautiful place with a lot of dreams, a place filled with dreamers, both in good or bad denotations. Its purpose was to be the place where we achieve and reach our goals, it works the same for everyone, for every goal they have, good or bad, there’s no difference. Then how can you judge someone’s life as better than yours, if in the end it’s all a similar life we’re living? We’ve got the same abilities to have the life we want, and we have it. We have the same chance to dream, and we dream how we want to dream, and we can do it. If life was only about the money then you’re totally mistaken, because the poor and the rich they have something in common, namely they don’t know what to do anymore, with or without their money. You can reach all your full potential, but what for? To end up dying on the same bed the serial killer died in a random hospital? You can dream all those big things you can’t reach, and end up in the psychiatry and feel like you’re crazy, and you’re one of the crazies and it feels like as if you dream only to immediately lose the dreams. I suppose then you should dream small, as small as possible that you feel like each step you take, you’re achieving another dream. It’s about starting over in life again when you feel like you’ve had enough. Stop dreaming about all those big, bigger, biggest, start dreaming about little, less, least. Dream about waking up in the morning alone on your cozy bed, dream of drinking your coffee in the morning, dream of yawning, of showering with warm water on a cold day, of writing a single sentence by hand per day, of watching Netflix, of eating three meals a day, of breathing that nice breath, something so unappreciated. Dream of those smallest things in your life when the bigger ones only keep your head awake and busy while all you need was a pause. Or get away, go away from where you are now, get a new scenery, get a new friend, new adventure. It might be hard to believe for now that your life is worth living, but if you’re ever thinking of putting an end to it, think about how many tears will pour for you when you die. But if that thought makes you feel proud, like it makes me, then think about how many smiles you can still create if you keep living. Get reminded of the feeling of falling in love to the person you’re with at the moment, or the feeling of a good laugh after watching funny videos, or of a nice family gathering with good food and company, or the feeling of being cuddled by yours truly, by your pets, or the nice music that makes you dance, or simply to the thought of you being here now, reading this, still living, contemplating your life in a different way, looking forward to living in the present, forgiving your past, and hopeful about the future. That’s what you should be proud of. Remember someone once said, “you saved a person I love today“ and how happy it made you. By staying here in this world, you’re saving one more loved-soul from dying and saving a dying soul by making it feel loved.