Gray Head Wisdom

 

Since when was life about following

Impulses on the way you go?

Like jumping from here and there

Right and left

Back and front

Like what I’m doing right now

Sitting but accelerating 

In my head, of course

I don’t have that much speed

Not that you can see

But in my head

Oh, but in my head

There are so many things

Sometimes good ones

Often bad ones

I’m filled with fears as I go

And the only time I can empty it

Is…

Well, when is it…?

I don’t think there’s any time to

Because sleeping gives me fear

As I’m filled with nightmares

And bad thoughts as I go

I just need to hop in and out

Of my subconsciousness

To dry myself out

Of the sea of trauma

I have in my body

I am water

And my body is heavy

And so is my head

Filled with all those thoughts

I wanna get out

But I can’t really

They tell me I’m strong

Well maybe,

Carrying all this water in me

All the time

Does make me strong

You need a lot to be able to

Still exist

Still breathe

And I’m still here

And the future seems gray

Because I don’t really know

What’s gonna happen

But my mom always said,

“Trust life,

Trust the good things it’ll give you“

But Mom, 

I’m trying too hard sometimes

And I’m sorry I derailed

But I will make things better again

For you, for me, for everyone

For whatever it is that might be

The reason why I even want to

Make it good again

And why ever I want to seem good

To you

Maybe you’re getting old 

Maybe the gray in my future

Is your hair

On your head

Filled with worries about me

I’ve contributed a lot

To that gray you wear

And I’m so sorry to put you here

Where life for you is a struggle

Because of me

And my mere existence

I never wanted to

But I’m here

Because of you too

And the endless love you give

It makes me a better person

Even though sometimes I just

Want to seem good

Without actually being one

Just to make you smile

I might’ve lied

A lot

But I never lied about one thing

The fact that I love you

And that’s a hard love

We both had to fight hard for

And maybe we deserve this now

Smiling over lies we both make

I understand you

I know you better than yourself

Sometimes at least

I know who you are

And what you like

I read you like an easy book

I hate reading

But you’re transparent

And the words just fly into me

Because I’m exactly like you

And I know myself more

Because I know you

I know life’s been hard for us

I know you’ve got your own traumas

But please,

Keep on smiling

Keep on lying to the world

That you’re fine

You’re doing so good

I don’t want you to fall

Deep under like me

Because of honesty

I like you lying

I like you pretending

It’s annoying

But we can laugh at least

Not cry, you’ve cried enough

Just for me

Since when was life about following

Impulses on the way you go?

Since forever,

It has always been like that, Mom

You did it too

I just followed you

And it’s good how you do it

Please never change

But just let me

This time around