Arbitrary Emotions

 

I guess mostly I’m just sad

Like the abused kid in me is crying

But my adult body must stay strong

And this kid wants to be taken care of so bad

I’m screaming for attention in silence

It’s not good nor it’s bad

I can’t defy it

Because it is what I feel

And it’s what my body tells me to do

Well, nothing, basically

As it’s been going on like this for years

It’s hard to see a difference anymore

To what I call sadness and just a regular emotion

There’s never a regulation of what a thing is

Like my emotions are arbitrary

And I start to use universal terms

Because I don’t know what I actually feel

I’ve never learned to feel

And name what it is

Or maybe I feel too much

That I’m just overwhelmed all the time

Like an emotion tips over another block of emotion

And another and another

And in the end it’s a domino effect

And it needs time to build the pieces back again

Just like it needs time for me to breathe

In the lungs that I fill with smoke

I self-sabotage myself without me knowing it

And I wish I knew how to stop being like this

But often I just feel like I’m in the end of the road

And things just creep on me

And I’m scared to even look at a stranger

Or have a stranger looking at me

And I wish I were invisible

And I wish I were somewhere safer

Than in this world

Where every step feels heavy

Because I can’t stop eating

And because I stopped working out

Like I’m already digging my own grave as I live

And I just need some support

From the ones I really love

That I sometimes also hate

But I feel so lonely

And it’s not like I wanna go home

It’s just that I wanna feel less alone

Because as far as a home is concerned

I don’t have one

Except with the love of my life

But it’s a person and not a place

Where I can sit and sleep or cry in

Or maybe I’m just too unthankful?

Or maybe I’m just disregarding everything?

But how can I see the light again?

Because right now I’m only seeing dark 

And my head is always facing down

And I feel weird for laughing

Or talking to myself

Happiness feels more strange than it is refreshing

And I notice I have less and less friends

And it hurts me to lose my face in the crowd

Because I’m so much on the background

Or not even existing at all

That people might forget I’m still alive

Am I still alive anyways?

I’m dying to see if I am

Because I believe I still have a fire inside of me

So little but it still shines for me

And I hope soon the darkness will go away

Replaced by the sun along my way

And slowly my smiles creep back in

And happiness doesn’t feel embarrassing 

I’m ready for the change.