Tough Cookie

 

Here’s to the black canvas

My friend of the ups and downs

I might’ve tried fooling myself

Thinking that I was a tough cookie

That I had my life all figured out

That I was sailing steady

And reality seems to try to break me

But I became harder than rocks

I no longer shed a tear

Only the sky does over me

And the cold morning dew doesn’t bother me

Nor the nonexistent sun

Nor the nonexistent shade

I am bare in the world of lies

Where everyone puts a facade

And I put a transparent one over me

To let everyone read my heartbeats

To let everyone touch my breathing lungs

I am naked in the fogs of winter

In the cold where everyone hides

I am wearing nothing but myself

A freezing set of teeth

A stiff set of skins

And fixed wide eyes

Looking at the mess of my mind

Reflected in my transparency

A block of ice

Strutting its way over the puddles

In its own self-destruction

Sane and insanely

Thinking life is only today

As tomorrow is uncertain

And yesterday is forgotten

But the future seems too bright

To be true or maybe not quite

But I might’ve tried fooling myself

Thinking that I was a tough cookie

Writing on a black canvas

As black as everything else

And as white as nothing else

Because this life is a gray ground

But it’s hard to believe it is

And it’s hard believing that it is

Because if darkness kills you

And brightness blinds you

Then the gray confuses you

And if that’s not already what everyone feels

I don’t know what else I’m trying to tell myself

Than to accept having this gray inside of me

Where sometimes the shade turns a little darker

Or sometimes also turns a little brighter

But everyone is somewhere in the spectrum of light

And for me 

I’m in a constant search of a good base

And I thought shutting myself off is an answer

Because it’s safe here inside my cocoon

Because I have believed it to be true

For as long as I can remember living

Because I’m mad

Because I’m angry

Because I’m furious

About the wrong things done to me

From those who are or were close to me

From all the blues that I’ve been feeling

But being red takes so much energy

And I have embarrassed myself

For having red inside of me

For basically surviving cruelty

For standing up for myself

That I decided to dim the red

And avoid the blues

And I might’ve tried fooling myself

Thinking that I was a tough cookie

And a tough cookie isn’t supposed to feel

And a tough cookie isn’t supposed to cry

A tough cookie is supposed to be tough

To act like nothing is wrong

To strut in life like everything’s fine

To have no emotions and stay still

To basically play dead inside

To eventually get it internalized

Well, I might’ve tried fooling myself

For the sake of becoming a tough cookie

That’s afraid of getting soggy for crying

At the cost of blending in with the facades of best liars

Lying to myself

For being a human

For having emotions

It’s nonsense, you, wannabe-tough-cookie