Tonight I...

 

Tonight is finally the time that my power gathered. Yes, it really took long, it took what it needed to finally come through as my strength rather than my weakness. 

Tonight I want to speak myself out in form of letters and spaces, creating words my mouth can’t seem to speak. 

Tonight I want to write what I can’t say, because each time I’d say it, I’ll cry instead. 

Tonight I want to express how much things have been piling up for me, unfinished business from years that had passed by. 

Tonight I want to express my thankfulness to myself for still living and striving and accepting, this is for the better, this is for the change and the growth I’m still about to continue, something that I might have delayed for some time due to things or two.

Tonight I want to write about how much it hurts me to write this. How much it tears me apart to feel like I even need to have an escape. How much I’m a walking dead the past weeks, I don’t even know who I am and what I’m up for anymore.

Tonight I want to write about how much I’ve lost my ideas and ambitions, my dreams and pursuit of happiness, sadly when I thought I was finally getting better with being on my own.

Tonight I want to write about how much somebody has robbed my energy and left marks all over my body. How somebody promised me happiness, and lied with it only for his own pleasure, trespassing my limits and borders, pursuing what he came to do - ruin me. 

Tonight I want to express how kind I am to still try and look for the positive sides of this particular man I somehow crossed paths with, somebody whose aim was not more than to satisfy himself and get his goals straight. How kind was I to even give in and give out too many chances to somebody that doesn’t even particularly deserve any.

Tonight I want to convey how clueless and pathetic I might’ve been. How easily I was able to believe something that wasn’t there. Sacrificing the only thing I had in my hands at that moment: myself. Is it really worth all of the damage? 

Tonight I want to make myself believe. It wasn’t my mistake to be too kind and to let go off my guard. It wasn’t my mistake to be fished into traps set out by those men. It’s not my mistake to have decided to leave them. It’s right to do the things I feel right doing, even if it’s hard, but for now, it’s right to call it over. 

Tonight I want to call out to myself that it’s time for me to step up and soften up, and start accepting myself. I am flawed, but I am learning. I might’ve made so many mistakes, but they opened my eyes more and more to see sanity behind insanity, to see orders behind disorders, to see a kind person within me, rather than anything else. I am good the way I am, and it is not my fault that things happened. It is not my mistake to be so kind, it is a strength to be very brave and very kind and very hurt at the same time. It is a kindness to have a heart that reaches out to everyone, no matter who they are. A heart that’s strong enough to always heal after the pain and move on and do great afterwards. That is my heart and I’m privileged to have one. Let alone to let it work how it wants to, because it will always be at the right place no matter what, so for that reason, I’m gonna fight to keep it alive.

(Written today, two years ago, January 21st 2021)