Paradox In A Human Form

 

It’s already almost weekend again

Where people start to be human again

From all the tiring days of work or school

From being machines on weekdays

Finally, rest

And so is it for me too

I am human

I am human

And I wanna say it for the third time,

But it’ll seem like I have to convince myself I’m one

Wait,

Am I really a human?

Am I a human? Really?

Or am I just a paradox in a human form?

Because sometimes I cry my eyes out

Sometimes I get mad and I just wanna scream

Sometimes I even lose it

Just like every other human

And sometimes I’m also happy

So happy, I need to cry too

Proud and glad and full of dignity of a human

Full of empathy that I own no more personal shoe

Because I always put myself in other’s

Sometimes I feel so good about myself

Feel…

Feel.

Sometimes I feel.

That makes me human.

Or does it, really?

Well, I’d say partly.

I think,

Think,

Think.

I have drive,

I’m driven!

Ambitious!

I like growth,

Always get better!

Better!

Even better!

No!

I made a mistake!

What am I even?

How could I make that stupid mistake?

That was easy?!

How could I fail that?!

I’m such a failure,

Nobody likes me,

I make too many mistakes,

I can’t be like those good ones,

Those smart ones whose mouths are like waterfall

Smart words just fall down effortlessly

I can’t even get a single word out of my mouth

I’m afraid it’s the wrong one

I’m afraid somebody will laugh at me

I’m afraid my grammar isn’t correct

I’m afraid somebody notices I’m still learning

Learning

Learning?

Yeah, learning. But that means, mistakes are okay?

Technically, yes. Still it’s embarrassing.

I hate making mistakes.

I’m afraid somebody recognizes I’m not one of them

One of them?

Since when do I wanna go with the crowd?

Since when do I suddenly wanna be like them?

And, however I try, I’ll never be like them

Nobody will be like anybody else

And that makes everyone unique

That makes me unique

Probably even more than most people

My circumstances are not ordinary

I had it harder than most

Though more people had it worse

But there’s no point in comparing lives

Because no life is the same life

Just like nobody is the same

I just never accepted it that way

That as a human I’m imperfect

And no matter how perfectionistic I am

I will never be perfect

In fact, nothing is really perfect

And perfection is not a human trait

That’s why I’m a paradox in a human form

I wanna believe I’m human

Which I start to slowly believe I am

But I treat myself unlike a human

I expect myself to deliver precision and perfection

Which us humans are too humane to ever do

We’re not machines and nobody should be one

Especially, it’s almost weekend

It’s time to be a real human again

To rest after the tiring weekdays 

Of being a paradox

In a form of a human