Losing Game

 

I don’t know what’s really bothering me this time

My heart is somehow sad

Like as if I’m losing somebody

But I don’t see anyone on my horizon

I see myself instead

On the edge of the hill, looking forward

My feet half standing on the air

Ready to throw my body down

And pretend I’m a bird

But I can’t fly, I can only fall

But this time,

Not even clouds will catch me fall

Not even wind will push me to a safer place

There’s only nothingness

Not even air to breathe

Just me and my body weight falling down

And down

And deeper down

Until the trees will hit me as I’m emerging to earth

And those branches will thrust into my body

And the leaves will be covered in my blood

And my soul will be delivered to God

And then I’ll know if He exists

And then I’ll know if He’ll ever forgive

Such a human like me, whose job was to sin

A human put on continuous tests

One after the other

Constantly on battles with itself

Inside and outside

Craving for happiness

That comes for a while and goes again as quick

I’m tired of this world

And the weight that I have to carry

Everyone is moving ahead

And I’m behind them, trying to figure my steps

When everyone’s already running

But going back is not an option

Because home is nowhere to be found for me

Unless a home is a human

Which I might have found already

But that still makes me homeless

Because I’m still scared of losing my home

Like I’m always on the brink of getting it taken away

I am scared of losing what I have now

I am tired of being scared of things I don’t know

I am tired of knowing things I’m scared of

And it goes in an endless circle

Everything puts me in doubt about myself

Am I even made for this?

Am I even good enough?

Do I even deserve this?

Can I even do all this?

Why do I even have to question all these things?

What is not enough in my life?

Or is everything going so well that I need to curse?

Or am I actually just tired?

But I’m not tired, I don’t think I am

I have so much unused energy

What for?

What should all this be?

My feelings are so simple, they complicate so quick

I don’t even notice that I’m overthinking

Because I’m so used to it

I’m so oversensitive

I take everything like it’s an attack against me

I have so many traumas

Every little wrong drives me back to my past

And I’m scared of that dark place

Where things were said and done wrongly

Where I didn’t have the power to be right

Where I didn’t have the voice to say no

Where I didn’t have the willingness to change

But now everything is said and done

And I can’t change everything that was wrong

And that fact disturbs me a lot

Because I want to have peace

But peace doesn’t wanna have me

So I can only have peace with my own mind

Tell myself it’s okay and accept it the way it is

Talk to myself like they’re listening

Do my best

But sometimes I feel like I can’t anymore

I feel like I’ve reached my end point

The hill stops here

There’s only a gorge in front of me

And the hills behind me are falling

The world is shaking

And I’m standing alone on the edge of everything

Trying to calculate my next moves

While carrying my heavy bags

Shall I look at the sky and pray for heaven?

Shall I look to the ground and jump?

Shall I just sit down and smile while earth eats me?

Shall I just stand tall and fall when the hills crumble?

Shall I close my eyes and let universe decide?

Shall I look at my home one last time and say bye?

Shall I cry and scream and let myself get quieted?

Shall I lay down and forget everything around me?

What would you do if you were me?

I can‘t undo things anymore

I can’t also not do anything

I must do something about it

But what should it be?

Did I have enough life already?

Did I have enough battles already?

How did they even make it till 70 and older?

What made them go forward in life, even?

I miss my grandma, I wanna see her

I miss her so much, I just wanna be with her

I wanna be her

Spreading so much love in the world

The world missed her when she left

And still misses her everyday

Like I miss her smiles in my memories

Someone with a lot of heart and a good soul

She left, now the world feels different

Like a warmth had been taken away from me

I want to have that effect on people as well

But I can’t even freaking believe compliments

I can’t even believe anything

I can’t make myself believe

Also the fact that I might be dying currently

Like I feel my body getting weaker and weaker

Things getting broken inside of me

Blood coming from places it isn’t supposed to

So I figured,

The branches thrusting my body won‘t hurt a lot

As I’m already hurting everyday anyways

Though I have so much love to give to the world

Though I have a love that’s so perfect

A love that makes me so happy

A love that makes me feel whole

But if I can’t love myself, what is all this love for?

What’s all this love, if I can’t even feel it?

Only when I’m in her arms I can feel it

The second I’m alone, I’m cold

Eaten by the winter temperature

And gone with the wind

I wanna be in her arms forever

Until my eyes can’t open themselves anymore

Until my arms are too weak to hug her back

Until my body falls and my soul leaves me

But I will forever be watching my angel

Because for once, she showed me what love is

Even when I sometimes can’t feel it myself

She shows me what my blind heart can’t see

And my heart starts to see too

I don’t know if it’s too late now

But every time I see her I only see forever

And when I’m not with her I can’t see forever

Because I don’t want forever without her

Because I can’t have forever without her

And that scares me

Because losing her would mean losing myself too

And I can’t let somebody have that much power

Over me and my life

And I don’t know how to go on with this

But I’m scared of everything around me

I’m scared of being scared of being scared

Because of something that’s so good

It’s so good I’m afraid to lose it

And lose myself too with it

I don’t know what’s really bothering me this time

I’m just afraid of losing

You and me