An Adventurer

I, once again, cannot sleep tonight

There’s so much going through my mind

Pictures of people I’ve met in my life

Bad times, good times, all at once

I’m honestly confused

Is it normal to have so many impressions?

So many memories I can’t even digest?

Or do I just need time to process it all?

I‘d say isolating myself does me good

I have my energy for myself and for my digestion

And even still get energy from my surroundings

From the people I love that love me

There are not many

But there are so many of them actually

There are so many that care about me

More than I even care about myself

Or even care to count, honestly

But I sometimes just neglect the fact they’re there

It’s hard to tell yourself you’re loved

When you don’t feel it inside yourself

In my little heart I know it

But I like to block it out from myself

Maybe I’m scared of hurting again

Maybe I’m scared of being left again 

Maybe I’m scared of being lied at again

Or maybe, there’s no maybe

It’s all true

I just need to tell myself it’s alright to feel so

I can’t help due to my past that I was hurt

I can’t help the fact that I’m scared it’ll happen

Eventually or maybe not

That I might get hurt again

That I might be left alone again

That I might be neglected again

I didn’t have it easy

I’m still so young but I’m wounded

I have traumas, I have a bad childhood

I have bad memories, bad relationships

I just always want to see at the bright side of things

But it’s tiring to look at the sun when it’s dark

I can’t always look for the light at the end of it

I can’t always pretend I’m whole and new

I’m not

I have my scratches, my bumps, my scars

Deep wounds that I still can’t get out from

And it hurts me still when I think about those things

I have to live with it and move on with life

But there are moments where these voices get loud

These bad images get so clear in my head

Rendezvous I don‘t want to have

People that remind me of other people that hurt me

Things that trigger me back to those moments

And I’m still always trying to look at it positively

But I can’t always do it

I’m a human too

And sometimes my feelings want to win

And sometimes I have to lose against myself

And give in to the fact that I’m not always strong

Though I’d like to seem that way

I’m not always that for myself

But I need to also tell myself that it’s okay

It’s okay that I’m not always happy

It’s okay that I’m not always strong

It’s okay that I was hurt

It’s okay that I have feelings

It’s okay that I have bad feelings

It’s okay to cry my eyes out of anger

And being frustrated over something simple

Or something that’s less simple

It’s okay to be mad

It’s okay to be disappointed

It’s okay to feel bad sometimes

It’s okay to lose to myself against myself

As I can‘t always win in life

As nobody can’t

And life was never a game anyways

There’s no winning or losing

But there’s always learning

There’s always growing

It slaps me hard on my face

The fact that bad things happened to me

But I’m not those bad things I tell myself

I never wanted to cause a trouble

I never wanted to hurt anyone

I wanna see the good in everyone

Until I’m blind of it

But that only shows me of how much goodness I am

For how strong I actually am

For how brave I am

That I’m still conquering life

That I’m still struggling

But I’m still here

Nobody does everything right

And those who think they do everything right

Are most probably wrong

I condemned myself for doing wrong things

For getting into the wrong situations

But if I weren’t there in the deepest of moments

I might’ve not been who I am today

I’ve learned so much about myself and life

That sometimes it overwhelms me

But I’m glad my ears are still open

And my eyes are still seeing that light out there

And I’m still capable of doing so many good things

Whatever good might mean

I’m glad I’m alive

I’m glad I’m functioning well

I’m glad I’m still going on

I’m glad I didn’t give up

I hurt myself on the way

But in every great adventure

There’s always the less good part of the story

And that doesn’t mean I should stop hiking hills

That doesn’t mean I should stop riding waves

That just means that I now can hike and ride better

I learned how to stand up after I tumbled or fell

I learned how to move forward again

I learned how to be grateful for the wind

I learned how to be mindful with myself

And just like everyone else

I might forget once in a while

Just like every adventurer, inside, I’m a little wild

I might break bones on the way

But I will still go on even if I could only crawl

Nothing can stop me

Until the world has to say stop

And lets me rest in peace, go back to the ground

But until then, I’m not gonna fade away

I have the will and I can achieve my goals

That beautiful life I’ve always dreamed of

I will have that life one day

I’ve proven to myself that I could do this

That means I will be able to do that too

There’s no stopping me

As long as my heart’s beating

As long as I’m breathing

I’m gonna get somewhere in life

I believe in myself and in my power

I’m strong and I’ve proven myself that I am

I’m loved and I have love to give

Things will be alright if not great

I will manage

I can do it