Sleepless Heaven

 

Today felt like it was the longest day of my life

Maybe because it was

Because I didn’t sleep

I couldn’t sleep

As if my life was tied to this one little knot

I couldn’t fuck it up, not even a chance

Or I will go back into that black hole again

The hole I don’t ever wanna be in again

I’m tired, my eyes have been fighting

The urge to close, temporary or forever

But my arms still wanna reach the world

Like I want to reach you back into me again

Back into your arms again, oh Love

I’ve been battling with bad thoughts

I thought, I’d never land here again

But apparently I have, yet again

My hands are getting tired

My head can’t even think anymore

I could’ve just given up sooner

But no.

Not in the world would I leave you alone

As you’re the gem my heart’s been seeking

As you’re the last puzzle piece that I sought

Now I found you, I won’t leave you

But who would’ve thought?

At least I wouldn’t have thought about

How I’m still here today

How I’m still breathing today

Lack of sleep, but ain’t dead

Who would’ve thought of that?

Not even myself could you convince

If you’d said it last year right now

I was fighting my battle of pains

The pains I put myself into

Cuts and cuts I had to make on myself

One would’ve been the point for me to stop

Right now

But last year, it took me ninety of those cuts

To close my sadness, for a moment

It’s not those fast cuts you imagine

It’s the slow, hurtful ones

I felt every single of them

Not once, but minimum three times

For every stripe you find on my arm

And still a hundred more of those little cuts

My body was kind enough to heal for me

Before people started staring at me

Not that it mattered at all to me being stared at

I didn’t even wanna realize I was alive then

I didn’t even wanna give in I was breathin’

Don’t ask me what went wrong

Or who did me wrong

It was an accumulation of hate and violence

I had to go through growing up

That made me hate myself enough

That I couldn’t even see love in my own eyes

Not even for me, not even for you

Though my heart always cared

But my wounds kept me awake

Those pains helped me breathe a little longer

Those pains blocked the other pains I endured

Though it wasn’t enough to cover everything

That’d mean I’d have to cut my torso open

But I was never somebody that likes violence

But I was so angry against everything around me

Towards those people that fucked me up

That I couldn’t let go, for years

That I had to stay silent for, years and years by

That I still can’t confront, even nowadays

So I let it all out against myself

I was the victim and once again a victim

I’m mad but I have a brain that calms me down

Until my heart puts my head off

And did its revenge, against myself

So unfair it might sound

It was all I could do to serve justice

How if those people never even said they’re sorry?

Not that it’ll heal me immediately

But how long must I just deal with this alone?

How hurt I actually am,

How much hurt should I still be feeling?

Every single day feels like a game of forgetting

But the wounds you put on me will never heal

Not until my soul leaves my body

But even then, my soul will still be aching

Because of how heartless those other souls were

And partially still are to me and to themselves

And I’m haunted by the memories

But they’re probably laughing about it right now

But there’s nothing funny about hurting somebody

But people seem to wanna do it all over again

I’m scared

I’m scared of how cruel the world might still be

So scared that I have more fear of it than death

That I used to hope that I’d better die in my sleep

Over and over again

But the universe said no

It’s not my time yet

And let me live another year

Until the calendar repeated itself again

The same month, the same weather

The same city, the same memories

I cried walking out of my house

Just looking at how similar the world looked

To the world I wanted to leave from

But now I see it differently

I walked alone and felt you beside me

Like I was followed by crowds of people cheering

Like I was never alone again

It was supposed to be cold, but it wasn’t

You hugged me all the way

You might not be there to see, but I feel you

A love so warm, so true

A love that made me able to love again

Not others only, but finally myself again

Like as if an angel offered me her wings

So I could fly again

I wasn’t even tired walking

It felt all so light

Like my feet weren’t even touching the ground

It’s you pushing me up

Giving me power to strive through

I was ready to give up, but you came

And since then, giving up was never an option

So many hates and pains in this world

But in all of a sudden, I only felt kindness

I only felt love and positivity

And endless hugs

And angels lifting me up to the sky

Telling me things will be alright

And that I’ll be fine

And if I have chosen to leave this world earlier

I would never see this heaven I’m seeing now

I would never see an angel like you

I’m wounded but you take care of me

Like I was never meant to leave

So I would be able to see your beauty

And have you beside me

And suddenly, I feel healed

I’m no longer in pain

I’m in heaven, with you

And heaven is not up there apparently

Heaven is here, when you’re near me