Coping

I don’t know what state I’m in

I feel euphoric, I feel dance-y

I guess I’m dissociated

I’m always on the tip of my toes

I guess I’m actually sad

And I realized- I am sad

That’s when I stop feeling so euphoric

Loud songs

Dancing alone in my lonely room

What can get lonelier than that

That you’re all you got

You’ve got others but you’re done trying

To steal their attention

To make them talk to you

This is crazy

Putting humans inside a cage for 10 days

It’s crazy

My instinct went to sleep

My body can’t stop dancing

My soul went out and disconnected 

So what do I do now?

Cry for help?

As if that hasn’t happened yet

Ask if we can go out soon?

As if we haven’t asked yet

Sleep it off?

As if I haven’t tried yet

But as I realize I could do more

My legs ask me if I can continue dancing

My head is constantly banging

To the not-so-dance-y song

But it’s called coping

And slowly not only my body

But my heart will be

Learning how to cope

To the fact that I’m sometimes alone

That the biggest asset I have is me

That I can only rely on me

And that it’s all okay

That it’s not weird

To dance alone in my lonely room

To go crazy over a song

To shake my body in front of a mirror

That it’s normal

To feel lonely

To feel alone 

And to feel like I need somebody

It’s all me trying to cope

To the fact that I’m a living creature

With feelings

And it’s okay to recognize that

I am probably alone sometimes

But I have myself

And that way I can never be lonely

Cikarang, 28.12.21