Peculiar Tree

It’s not like I constantly have ideas of what to write

It’s not like all my days are filled with sadness

But also not always filled with happiness

Sometimes I wake up and I’m gone in my head

Sometimes I sleep but my head’s awake

Sometimes I go places but my head stops

Sometimes I feel but I don’t actually know what I feel

I am not somebody you need to take examples from

Nor that I am somebody you should just forget

I’m also not your typical human figure

But I’m also not that strange or weird

I am sometimes just…

Me,

With all my flaws,

And illnesses,

Dizzy head,

And nausea,

And dissociation,

And traumas,

Bad history,

Queerness,

And more, and more.

Sometimes all I do is to care about others,

Sometimes all I do is to not give a shit about anyone.

Sometimes all I get is rejection,

Or the sense of being abandoned,

Or neglects,

Or I get blocked by the people I cared about,

And that manifests into the fear of being left alone,

That sense of hatred,

Like nobody will love me,

Like everyone hates me.

You might want to say “no, I don’t hate you“

But I wish my head would understand that

Because the second after you said that

My head believes the complete opposite

And I wish I could just easily make up my mind

But it isn’t as easy as washing your hands

Or eating when you’re hungry

Or drinking when you’re thirsty

No, it is not and never that easy.

I’m not glad about it,

Nor that I’m doomed because of it,

I like to see myself as this peculiar looking tree,

In a forest of millions of trees,

But still, I somehow manage to stand out,

With my peculiarity, my queerness, my weirdness,

And I still stand tall in the woods full of pretty trees

I still intrigue,

Not because I’m so exciting

But because people want to know my story

Why my branches are crooked in peculiar ways

Why my leaves have weird colors

Why my roots are big and small

Why I still stand tall, unbothered

Why I don’t give up, why I conquer

Don’t expect me to have a distinctive reason why

I just thought being the peculiar tree doesn’t harm me

I add more colors to the world, just by being me

I add diversity, more sides of a story

I can learn from my history

You can learn from my history

I might be peculiar but I am not useless

I might not be useful all the time

But I am not just another fallen leaf in fall

I exist with my gifts with my past

With my future as long as I last

So things might have to feel weird before they pass

But life is always full of surprise

Be that weird tree in the woods

Live up your world with your moods

Feelings are okay, they don’t have to be big news

Light up the dark with your moves

Shine bright, you might find your cures

Erlangen, 16.12.21