Short-Lived

I don’t know what to do or what to write. I am sad and it’s surprising because just a few hours ago I’m doing okay, I was even happy. Now I just wanna sleep and do nothing. But doing nothing feels wrong. What should I do then? I guess I really need to go out and do things outside. But my feet won’t let me walk. My tongue doesn’t let me speak clearly. My new lover isn’t answering, just like the old ones too. What is so wrong with me? Is it that hard to like me or be with me? I thought I did great most of the time. Probably should just be myself and let things figure themselves alone.

I came back to this writing after a few days and I realized my problems remain the same. I take goodbyes really badly. I have lost too many people I love. Not that they’re dead, but they left and didn’t say their proper goodbye. So many open wounds inside of me just because of those people that are gone in all of a sudden. You thought you finally have someone you can depend on but as soon as you’re depending on them, after leaving those other people you had been depending on, apparently the new dependency is also gone with the wind. It makes me question love and if it’s even worth it. Is there a permanent love? Is there really just short-lived love? Is it all already set in stone that after one day of fun with somebody suddenly that person has to go. It hurts like shit. Or also your ex that made you think that you guys will live together forever but suddenly broke up with you by letters that she wrote, captured, and sent vie WhatsApp. Isn’t that so mean? Didn’t she think about what it makes me? I guess everyone can agree that it’s totally rude and hurtful. Or another lover I had, she was there all the time for me and me too for her, we went on a holiday together, then we got closer than anything before. Then when I needed her the most she took her leave and is unreachable for me. I needed her. She dumped me to take care of herself, that reason was also used by my ex. Okay. Does that make me a destructor to others? I don’t really know what I did wrong. I was being myself. But maybe being myself is also a little too much already? I thought I finally had it, but no, everything is very short-lived these days.

Including the people.