One Step Away from Dying

Oh, this journey I’m taking. We’re all wishing to get well, to function better again, if not better than before then even better. But the more I see people the more I see different dreams on my mind. I listen to a song and remember the person sleeping next to me in the psychiatry. Her dream was solely to die. She talked to me about it, how she would do it, how many times she’s tried to do it, but she’s still here. Don’t even imagine her being a person with so much sadness in her face, no. She is a happy woman that will always laugh at every joke you make, she is a person that you’ll mistake as the definition of happiness. That makes me wonder; how come somebody so happy, so alive, so kind like her would wish to die?

So she told me about her life. She has everything that she had ever wanted. Literally everything. But she said that the more you have things the more you want more things and you will end up feeling too full, just like when you’re eating, you might want to vomit it out. But vomiting is an act of ungratefulness. So many people want to be in her place, but she never wishes anyone to be in her place at the moment because it’s the hardest position someone can be in life. You have too much to live with but you’ve had enough of it. You want to die but so many things stop you from dying.

So what do you do if you were her? Cry all night? Laugh and laugh and more laughter? Or just follow her initial plan; swallowing that piece of plastic she found from the bathroom so she will get so sick and die due to it. I wish she knows how I really appreciate her jokes and her company. She doesn’t know how much joy she brings to the world. I tried telling her that but that’s not strong enough to keep her alive. It’s the point where I feel so helpless. I want to help her out of her situation but I’m not strong enough myself and I don’t want to be too attached to her because it would hurt like hell if she really undergo her suicide attempts. 

It takes me to other questions; how hurtful can world be that so many people just have the option to die? What happened to those people? Why is this world so ruthless? What do we do to help? Do they wanna be helped? Does it feel alright just letting somebody die alone even though you could’ve done something for her? And frankly, being her roommate feels as normal as being with your dear friend. So that means the closest from us can also have the thought of dying without us knowing. It doesn’t show but it eats somebody from inside. Love your friends, your family, your relatives. Show the beauty of the world. You can save someone from dying without you knowing. Be kind to one another.

Erlangen, 7/11/21