Fluctuation of Thoughts

It’s quite hard to live without questions. I don’t know how others do that, I don’t know how they want to be unbothered by other people caring for them. Why? Why like that? And why do I seem to need so much attention? Am I needy? Am I lonely? What is this?

I honestly don’t even know if the girl I’m thinking about every night also thinks about me as much as I do before she goes to sleep. Does she even think of me, ever? Am I so lame? Why do I think that I’m so lame? Maybe I am? Am I? I don’t know. 

Also the new girl in the house, I guess she’s having a difficult time trying to understand me and to go with my slow life-pace. I probably don’t even speak a German good enough for her to understand, or for anyone to think of me highly, though many people have complimented me on that. How come I’m never satisfied? Is it only my worry or am I really who I think about? Am I that weak person, the unheard, the unasked, the misunderstood one? 

And if I have something more, I prefer less. I’d gladly give and condemn taking. I struggle feeling like I am enough, that my body is enough, that my world view is decent, that what I do is good enough for me. Whose standards am I even living up to now? I thought I said it to those people out there that we should live by our own standards, we set the boundaries to ourselves, and only we know what’s good and bad? Or, I guess, I have been trying to remind myself of it all this long. It wasn’t about other people and what I preached to them, it’s about me planting those thoughts to myself.

I guess I should give in that I’ve made my life far more complicated than it is. Or have I done that to myself, alone? Was it me or was it all those hands from outside reaching in? Why do they even matter so much to me though? I swear if this would’ve been the thing… swear what? No, I won’t do anything to it or to myself. It’s my life and it is complicated but I never wanted to change or be somebody else. Sure, I was in denial and it felt like nothing happened to me, that I was holy, untouched, fine. But now that I came to terms with myself in that sense, I guess I’m happier than ever.

Am I happy? That’s actually hard to say. Wasn’t I happy then? I don’t know. Sure there were moments where I thought things were awesome, there were also moments I thought that I couldn’t feel happiness anymore. Even my mom mentioned that to me before. She said that I wasn’t able to feel happiness anymore, like I felt it for a few seconds and it went away with the wind. Was it really like that? I probably wasn’t awake enough to notice that for myself until somebody let me know. Have I been living in a sad life, or what is this life I’m living?

I guess I don’t know anything, either what’s happening with me or what happened with me, I don’t know, can somebody let me know? Does anyone even know about themselves? How much do they even know about themselves? Shall I know about myself that much as well? Or do I know about myself too much already and that’s why I feel bad? Is life supposed to be like a torture? Is life supposed to be like a movie? Are we supposed to have a happy life? How about those people dying in poverty, in a small, unknown life, are they dying unhappy then? Or is it just me? Am I making things horrible for myself? Is anyone even sure if they’re happy? Are you happy? Are we happy?

What is happiness? Is happiness meant to stay or to go away? Is it a temporary thing or is it a permanent thing? If happiness is a feeling and every feeling is dynamic and prone to changes, then happiness is a fluctuation, right? But where’s my kick to the roof? Why am I always buried six feet down? Is it right what MindDoc said, that my mental health is critical? Again? Is it really the case? I thought I was making a lot of progress the last couple of weeks, but seeing that makes me question; what is really up with me? Do I care too little or too much? What do I care about actually? Am I wrong or right? What is even right or wrong, again? I’m just going on and on and on in a circle.

Am I even ready? Why am I scared shitless? What’s so big out there that will come and get me? I guess I should train, alone, I can do things alone, I proved myself wrong already, but why do I still shake and all that? Is life really that terrifying to me? Or am I really terrified of life? What’s the difference anyways. It’s always the same hundreds of thoughts going on and around inside my head, the same vivid dreams I always get every night that keep me going when I actually just want to stop and rest. So yeah, I actually feel like I have no peace inside of me. Is it all because I also stopped believing the God of peace among humans? Is it what this is? A last place to go when things go to end and when things are not there, it’s something to hold onto, is it true? So there is God? 

Well, I’m a proponent of positivity. I believe the goodness comes from oneself and it shines through. God might be the source of positivity for so many people out there, but to me, I will only get the positivity and kindness out of it with how I act to myself upon things. God is in each one of us, whether you call it God or something else, it is the power that keeps me going for me, a good music, a good workout, a nice thing to derive positivities from. God presents itself in writing to me, it shows ways and wisdoms I can find out of myself if I open myself up on a paper or when I’m typing. But it is me that sees and perceives God in myself, I am not God, but I have God in me. Just like people that follow a certain religion believing that God is always there for them, with different names or shapes, it is actually all within them where they can find God, that’s why you can never figure out what God looks like, that’s why people say God is so big and it’s neither a male nor female, sexless, because it can be anything for anyone.

Knowing this, I guess I should go on with my life in full confidence knowing that I have a worth big enough to keep one soul living and a body surviving. Or maybe I can still multiply that, who knows. Maybe some people still want to live because of me too, and everyone has that person in their lives, and everyone is that person for others too. It’s an inevitable fact of life. There is no denying this fact, because we have a worth more than we ever know we had. Life can be hard sometimes, it is true, but life is a moving thing, that’s why it’s called life. It can be a real bitch and it can be real sweet, but one thing for sure, you’re always going to learn something new as well. You will only level up, that’s exactly why things are seemingly harder, it is more like you have enough strength to tackle the next stage rather than getting weaker and weary. It is all a matter of perspective. And remember, you’re your own light in your life and you’re shining for you. Sometimes your light might get dimmed and it might seem dark, but you have as much chance as to creating others’ light a bit lighter as well, we all own that much of a power, so channel that in the right directions, regarding to what you want to call right. The world is yours to discover, your body is yours to grow, your life is yours to control, your mind is yours to use, so, what could be so wrong? Many things, definitely, but if many things could be so wrong, then there are also just as many chances out there as to make things right. Start with yourself.