Stripped Down Manifestations

 

I guess everyone mistook life for a joy. It’s what you see in movies, in advertisements, in romance novels, it’s the manifestation of things you want to happen. But because it’s a manifestation, it’s not real, or at least it hasn’t happened yet, and it’s sometimes wishful thinking to expect this manifestation to be true. Sometimes it is just what it is. Life is just that boring mundanity you have to live every single day, a flat feeling of being present in the universe, too little or too much sleep, too little or too much things done, or eaten, or bought. Life is a series of changes of feelings. Feelings stand on the highlight, and even if you don’t feel it, it’s a feeling as well. We can’t escape from those feelings. 

Yesterday I was just very motivated to be something big, to be a famous writer, to make my dreams come true. Then I slept. I thought my motivation will stay the same today. No. My mistake was sleeping. I shouldn’t have slept before I achieved something in life. At least, that’s what my manic self would say. But how are you even supposed to achieve so much in 24 hours of a day, even shorter now because it’s winter. How are you trying to convince yourself to be something with so little time? Why are you waiting so hard until a luck finally comes and that the luck will change your life? Even if a luck will ever happen in life, why would it be you that should deserve the luck? What’s the chance of you being that lucky? It’s math when it comes to chances, and I won’t even start on that one because I can’t do complicated maths. I can count, though. The best thing I can count on is myself. Right, yeah, myself. Or can I actually count on myself? I guess I have let myself down so many times. I don’t know if I still wanna count on myself after so many misfortunes.

I have become such a misfortune for myself. I like to be seen with my hardships so people know how much I’ve achieved in life. I like to tell people that my life is hard, like there’s nothing worse than my life. I like to tell people I’m bad at things I’m actually good at until I lost everything I’m good with. I exploited myself and my abilities too much just to pity myself. The best thing somebody can do to me is empathise and then reward me with compliments of how great I’ve been that I’ve kept on going on in life. May that be for the whole life situation that I told them, may that be my disorders, or the fact that I have insecurities in talking in German, not because I can’t, because my perfection tells me I’m not good enough, unlike the native speakers, which I will never be. In that sense, I will never be good enough. It’s such a sobering thought to finally name those dramatics I’ve created in my life. I used to only try to be humble, but I’m used to talking myself down that I somehow can’t go up from here anymore. Like I’m now stuck in the mud, the empathies and compliments are long forgotten and I’m still in the mud trying to crawl out. Every single person I met on the path will hear the same shit I always talk about. I made it all about myself. It’s not. I should stop being so tedious with it. I enjoyed being pitied at too much, I forgot I was a different person back then. 

Where did I go? Where did I leave me? Where was the joy in life I used to feel? Where was the joy I used to find in other things? Especially, in myself? Do I really need this self-pity? Do I not get enough compliments already? Why can’t I believe any one of them? What’s standing between my head and the world? I need to break out of this cycle of hardships. I can’t always think everything should be easy. I can’t always be that lazy. I can’t only have ambitions without actions. I can’t just sit around and think that things will be done for me. I can’t live with this attitude. I need to do something. Something that I can do, and I know I can do, and I know I will do it good enough. I need to not need to think about how things will go down. I need to just believe that I can eventually achieve things. I have to start to work on my dreams, not let my dreams happen by themselves because they won’t. I need to prove myself that I can. I have to believe myself that I can. I need to break my own boundaries. Nothing is impossible. I’m not done yet. I will be alright in the end. I just have to do it.

Still, I guess everyone mistook life for a joy. I don’t blame them, I mistook life for a joy too. It’s what presented to us. It’s what we’re told life should be. But that’s not all about it. Life is so much more than a joy. Life is struggle, happiness, satisfaction, effort, a rollercoaster ride, every weather all at once, life is everything we’ve all felt or been feeling throughout our lives. There’s not a single view to what a life is or what a life should look like. For everyone, it’s a different story. Like it is a different story for me, too. There’s no use of thinking that others have it easier than us. You were never living others’ life, so you would never know what they’ve all been through. It’s also hard to make others understand your stories. Even if they could imagine how things were for you or even if they were personally there with you, they still have a different perspective of things, and nothing is the same for everyone. But everyone has a place in this world. May that be the seat in the train you’re sitting at right now, or in your bed in your room, or in the seminars in the university, in classes, at your job, or on every other space of the earth, everyone has a privilege to be there where they want to be. So does everyone has the privilege to pursue that what they want to be. We just have to claim those privileges and make the best out of everything we can do. We’ve been given enough things to work it out in ourselves, we just need to let it shine through. Get out of your comfort zone, because life isn’t always gonna be a cozy sofa in rainy days near the fireplace forever. But we all can achieve what we’ve dreamed of for so long. We will all get there. We just need to believe and make the best out of it.