Dreamer's Silence

 

I noticed the silence between the smokes

The I’ve been longing for

But also the silence I don’t want to have

It makes me notice the distance between us

I noticed the silence between my four walls

The walls that I feel safe in

But less safe now

Because I’m alone without you

I noticed the silence between the church bells

The bells that remind me of time

Mostly of how much the time I spent

Receiving no texts from you

I noticed the silence between my lines

The lines that I express myself in

About how much you actually mean to me

But sadly also about how little I mean to you

I wish studying feels like studying every bits of you

Something I enjoy doing endlessly

Something that brings me joy and life

But well, I can’t even reach you now

Let alone to see your beauty from up close

Who would’ve known 

That everything will go this way again

That a sudden life means a sudden death

Not that you’re gone in that way

But just like a rope that you pulled too tight

You’ll lose strength until you have to let go

With red on your hands and scars

I was probably living in the so-called life

With the so-called kind people

With the so-called beautiful moments

It was long enough to deceive me

That I even forgot that I was once so sick

Of life and everything in it

Including somebody like you

Including somebody like me

I had the joy and the ease of life I can’t let go of

Until it let go of me instead

Like as if it was all enough

Like as if I have had enough

But, no, I will get enough of it

Of you, your beauty, and all about you

But if it was really so easy

Why does it feel so hard now?

Like pulling strings out of yourself

Like constantly having to untie the knots

Like one was okay, one was enough struggle

But a hundred? A thousand of it?

Slowly I’m going crazy

Of this monotony of life

That can’t seem to get enough of me

That I can never free myself from

I’m drowning in my sadness

My energetic time is over

Slowly I’m digging my six-feet back under

Preparing for only God knows of

Maybe it’s true that not even you can help me out

It has only been me against myself

My obsession and my delusion

Same old times repeated once again

Well I hope it’s gonna be the last

I was lost, and found, and lost again

For words, for directions, and for myself

I was so close, but not close enough

Makes me question if I deserve what I’m searching for

If I’m even able to wrap myself around it in the end

As I’m only just so ungrateful as a human

Wasting time and people on the way

Though that was never my intention with you

Such a soul will heal me instead of kill me

You’re different but what’s it all for?

Only to show me kindness exists?

Once again I notice the silence between the chirps of a bird

The silence that notice the silence in my heart

As soon as my head is empty I’m gone

Back to the non-existing memory of you and me

Maybe I was indeed only a dreamer

But you love the world and you’re a liver

We don’t mean to get together

But I’ll keep you in my dreams as long as forever